The two people in charge of the gene pool from which I emerged (tucking my primordial tail under my blankie)

Genes are a funny thing.  You would think that two superior specimens would produce some sort of SUPER KINDER.  However, judging by myself and my brother, this theory falls pretty flat.

Here are the two genetically superior humans whose daliances produced several flawed models:



Linda Claudette (pretty nice name, huh?)



Freddie Randolph (Hmmmm, gaining some insight into a potential genetic flaw...what sort of parents name a kid "Freddie?")



You know how you can go to those websites and look at morphed pictures titled like "If Brad Pitt and Whoopi Goldberg had a baby, it would look like..."  Well, they didn't have websites like that when my parents got married.  I am sure they were equally taken with their lover's beauty and as they spooned under the moon (or whatever they called it in the 1950s) and tempted each other and fate with the fine elixer of lust, they probably had very unrealistic ideas of their future offsprings' looks...and character.

Originally, my name was Melanie Gerber Anne - or so I've been told.  Gerber sued my parents and forced them to remove their company name due to my lack of cooperation in living up to company standards.

(I don't have to tell anyone that's really not true, do I?)

Alas - here's what they REALLY got out of all their shenanigans:

In my defense, nobody asked me if I wanted to wear this hat...or sit outside in the New Orleans summer sun in a plastic tub.  Whose idea was this, anyway?